Yesterday was a hard day. I had just sort of come to the end of emotional energy, and needed to not have anymore stimulation of any kind. I needed to sit in my chair alone, quietly for a couple of hours. But, I care for my elderly mom, so that was not my luck. The cleaning people were at the house when I came home, so there was a lot of nonsense. Like, I do not like to eat in front of non family members in my home for some reason. I had brought home a pizza, and it just sat there waiting for them to go. When folks are around, members of my family have historically done this performance of trying to show how we are doing things. Which, in the case of an 80 something mom, means she spent the time when the cleaning people were here, telling me to do stuff. Now, I was already wiped out before I got there, so this sand in my shell did not make a pearl, it was just hard.
I decided to go swim. I had not swam in a month or so, and wanted to be anywhere other than my house. My sister in law was coming to give my mom a bath, and I just could not take any more sound or words or anything. I just needed to be away. I got in the car, and I could feel a scream in my throat. It was there trying to get out, trying to choke me, trying to cause lung cancer, just trying to be given life. And it was killing me.
But, I drove. And along the way I realized how much I have lost in recent years. Either because of things, or because of choices. Now, I add this photo above. On monday, the guy on the right (Jesse Dayton) is going to be in Milwaukee to play. I have tickets for me and my buddy Rob. 100 percent, I am not going. I know it. Milwaukee is 3 hours away, and I have to be back on tuesday to take mom for a bone scan. And I think at age 53, I have aged out of driving 6 hours to see a guy play guitar. Even if I know the guy, and love him. I just cannot see a way in which I can find the energy to do that.
And that made me cry. It made me cry to think that I have somehow got to the point where the age and fatigue and circumstance has made it impossible to conceive of my driving hours to see a band. I once drove 10 hours each way to see Prince. Now, I do not think I would drive 60 minutes.
Look, I am wiped. Being a caregiver is super great. When my mom is gone, I will have been blessed to have these years. But, man I just carve off pieces of my identity almost daily it seems, and I wish that was not the case.
...i bet that prince show was incredible...thanks for the raw unfiltered honesty and emotion here...semi reframe, how amazing that you have the energy to even consider the drive, and to do all that you are for your mother...caring for others is one of the hardest things we can do...but here you are doing it...keep rocking man...