There are Levels to This
My humility is something I am proud of. Now, mind you I am an absolutely arrogant horror show at times. I used to be so much worse as a young man, but along the way I have had a series of events happen that have taught me that there are levels to this thing. I find the humility so important because at least in one part of my professional life, I sort of hit the top of the heap. But, the humility comes in when knowing that absolutely no one gives a shit about the heap that I stand on.
But this week an old friend told me about another old friend. I took a look at her resume, and it was absolutely next level stuff. Within a zone or sector or whatever. She was absolutely amazing, and there was nothing about the work she did that I thought I could do.
I was reminded of an intense intellectual experience I had when working in reproductive health care policy. There was an issue of the day, and a woman named Rachel Benson Gold had written extensively about it. And I thought it would be good to interview her for our podcast, and she agreed. Then I started doing research, and I realized that I was out of my depth with my usual nonsense podcast interview crap. I wanted to be of service to the seriousness of her work, and the issue….so being a morning FM DJ was not going to be enough.
So, I pushed the interview a week, cancelled every thing else and started reading. I read everything. I scanned almost everything she mentioned, which was overwhelming, because at her level, everything is sourced and cited and true. Nothing is just some guy typing on a substack about a personal experience. It is not that. It is something else. You can literally trace all of her positions back to research and documented case law and all the rest. Oh how Evernote helped me.
I thought I was ready, I worked harder on that than I did in college. I was locked in. I had it all. And she and I got on Skype and we talked for two hours. It was the most amazing conversation I have ever had. I was prepared. I was NOT FAKING it. I was not being charming just to be charming. I was in it.
Then it was over.
Then I laid under my desk in my sound proof studio in the basement of the clinic, and I slept for an hour or so. Exchausted. I had spent everything I had put in. The interview came off amazing. But, it also showed me that Rachel Benson Gold and I are not the same thing. I might be A THING, but I am not THAT THING.
When I came back to it, and started recovering, I realized I wanted to be Rachel Benson Gold. Not really her, but I wanted to take the work that seriously. I wanted to make it my life. On a deep and real level. I wanted to give it the respect it deserves. I wanted to be more than a charming (and handsome) white guy getting over on my entitled gifts. I wanted to be able to stand in a room full of people I respect, and know I have earned the right to be there and to have no one see me as an imposter.
There are layers to this life. It is absolutely okay to chase excellence, I think. It is okay TO CHASE.